When you get lost in life..
There are times in your life when you just stop.. feel lost… forget who you are and where you came from… those times often seem to run together like the scenes of a movie you are unable to pause.
I have always been the emotional one in my family and group of friends. I care to much, if thats possible, care to deeply and let it show… on both sleeves..
As I sit here tonight, watching the cats watch each other, still unsure of the balance of love and acceptance, I am reminded of how often I feel that way.. never truly a part of any group or even my family. I don’t know why I feel this way.. perhaps I am just not meant to be one of the crowd.
I have been blessed at times in my life to feel connected to someone, to belong with someone… and as often happens in those stages of our lives, we outgrow that person, or that place. We change and walk onto a path they can’t seem to walk with us. This is pretty close to what happened to me back at the end of my second marriage. We were the best of friends, we just got lost… and the paths we were trying to walk to find one another just lead us in different directions… no regrets.. I would not have the people in my life now that I do, and even as much as I don’t understand the dynamics of all of those relationships, I regret none of them.
I spent much of those last 3 years of my marriage finding me… learning who I was… not the mama,the wife, the daugther.. but who Mandi was inside… what my desires and dreams were for me… it was probably the first time in my life that I truly knew me, loved me and was at peace… with my past, with my life, with my self.
I did pretty good for a while after my seperation… made a few choices that blew everyones mind… let a musician come into my life that Retaught me the lesson about letting people use and abuse me… struggled to take care of my then teenage son the best I could with limited education and income. I learnt even more about myself, things that I had always been made to feel that was impossible for me to do… like live on my own and take care of myself and my son. I gave up things that were material to make sure he had the best of time as his high school years came to an end. I didn’t finish school, and it was more than important for him to have those chances and options that I never had. :: anyway:: I became stronger in many mays… yet during this time.. I got lost… I feel head over heels for a man much older than me, who although a good man, has his own demons and baggage… I don’t even know how to describe the roller coaster of a relationship that we had for over 5 years… we loved, we argued, we laughed.. we walked away.. and then we started it all over again within a 6 week span.. over and over.. I drove him as crazy I’m sure, as he drove me. I finally tried to move on, and let someone else in my life… a good guy.. but one I was very unfair to… when you are so lost in someone, like I was, it is not right to let another get lost in you… so I ended up hurting this guy badly… if he holds hate in his heart.. I am surely one he hates… this hurt me deeply also, but not enough that I could let go of the dream, misery and drama of the long term relationship… when he came to me with a house key… I was there! LOST!! Lost again, in his emotional roller coaster..
15 months and it was time to go… loving someone so much that we started turning it into hate… mistrust and jealousy, fear and intimidation… I was Lost!! I never got to truly be at home… everything I owned was in storage, or finally sold when I felt the most secure with him… duh.. and I walked on those proverbial egg shells constantly… and the me, that deep inner me, would raise her voice every so often… try to stand up to the problems and the relationship.. and it became the end.. 2 strong personalities just lost!!
I have been on my own again now, for almost a year. I’ve tried to stay focused on my job, my friends and family. I have kept my life as drama free as I can, but I’ve still been LOST!! Lost in being alone and figuring out how to find my value again, after being made to feel worthless. I’ve been trapped in the facade of maintaining a friendship with someone I should not want as a friend, and I have been lost in trying to get lost. Work 2 jobs as many hours as possible… go to the gym to fill those hours left to work on the imperfections of my aging body. I started to feel a little more in control, a false feeling, when I let alcohol get a little to in control… not that I drink alot, or all the time.. but there have been a couple times when I drank way to much, and again I got lost. I have had a history of having black outs when I have drank to much, and it hits me so fast I dont even realize I have drank that much until it is over with. I have lost again… and I am trying to stand back… find myself… I have lost something I enjoy, and I have lost someone I care deeply for… I am not sure why things happen as they do, no one can really explain the ” reason”… but I have to sit here and wonder … am I meant to stand back and walk a different path than I have been walking… which would take me away from some situations that will be healthier to be away from, at least mentally and physically… perhaps a change would open up a door that I have just been standing at the edge of.. wondering if I could fit into it… or maybe… I just lost it… maybe I just had way to much to drink and made a mistake, one that I can’t remember but made all the same.
I love so many things in my life right now, my job, my close friends, my apartment, my family, my cats… yet… I am still lost… to myself … and to the one that I keep dreaming would come into my life.
I have gotten lost in life, in the every day. I have gotten lost trying to find someone to find me…
” I am the path upon which I walk, twisted and curved I may be, but I am the path that leads me on, to the path where I am meant to be”… just a random thought… one of the things that when I write.. just happens… again.. I am lost… all the words I have wanted to publish, all the things I’ve written and shared and yes, some have been published… who cares? Who even knows? Do those who look at me now with anger or upset know these things about me? Or do they only see the shell that walks into those doors…
when will someone find me… as I am finding myself…