When you get lost in life..

There are times in your life when you just stop.. feel lost… forget who you are and where you came from… those times often seem to run together like the scenes of a movie you are unable to pause.

I have always been the emotional one in my family and group of friends. I care to much, if thats possible, care to deeply and let it show… on both sleeves..

As I sit here tonight, watching the cats watch each other, still unsure of the balance of love and acceptance, I am reminded of how often I feel that way.. never truly a part of any group or even my family. I don’t know why I feel this way.. perhaps I am just not meant to be one of the crowd.

I have been blessed at times in my life to feel connected to someone, to belong with someone… and as often happens in those stages of our lives, we outgrow that person, or that place. We change and walk onto a path they can’t seem to walk with us.  This is pretty close to what happened to me back at the end of my second marriage. We were the best of friends, we just got lost… and the paths we were trying to walk to find one another just lead us in different directions… no regrets.. I would not have the people in my life now that I do, and even as much as I don’t understand the dynamics of all of those relationships, I regret none of them.

I spent much of those last 3 years  of my marriage finding me… learning who I was… not the mama,the wife, the daugther.. but who Mandi was inside… what my desires and dreams were for me… it was probably the first time in my life that I truly knew me, loved me and was at peace… with my past, with my life, with my self.

I did pretty good for a while after my seperation… made a few choices that blew everyones mind… let a musician come into my life that Retaught me the lesson about letting people use and abuse me… struggled to take care of my then teenage son the best I could with limited education and income. I learnt even more about myself, things that I had always been made to feel that was impossible for me to do… like live on my own and take care of myself and my son. I gave up things that were material to make sure he had the best of time as his high school years came to an end. I didn’t finish school, and it was more than important for him to have those chances and options that I never had. :: anyway:: I became stronger in many mays… yet during this time.. I got lost… I feel head over heels for a man much older than me, who although a good man, has his own demons and baggage… I don’t even know how to describe the roller coaster of a relationship that we had for over 5 years… we loved, we argued, we laughed.. we walked away.. and then we started it all over again within a 6 week span.. over and over.. I drove him as crazy I’m sure, as he drove me.  I finally tried to move on, and let someone else in my life… a good guy.. but one I was very unfair to… when you are so lost in someone, like I was, it is not right to let another get lost in you… so I ended up hurting this guy badly… if he holds hate in his heart.. I am surely one he hates… this hurt me deeply also, but not enough that I could let go of the dream, misery and drama of the long term relationship… when he came to me with a house key… I was there! LOST!!  Lost again, in his emotional roller coaster..

15 months and it was time to go… loving someone so much that we started turning it into hate… mistrust and jealousy, fear and intimidation… I was Lost!! I never got to truly be at home… everything I owned was in storage, or finally sold when I felt the most secure with him… duh.. and I walked on those proverbial egg shells constantly… and the me, that deep inner me, would raise her voice every so often… try to stand up to the problems and the relationship.. and it became the end.. 2 strong personalities just lost!!

I have been on my own again now, for almost a year. I’ve tried to stay focused on my job, my friends and family. I have kept my life as drama free as I can, but I’ve still been LOST!! Lost in being alone and figuring out how to find my value again, after being made to feel worthless. I’ve been trapped in the facade of maintaining a friendship with someone I should not want as a friend, and I have been lost in trying to get lost. Work 2 jobs as many hours as possible… go to the gym to fill those hours left to work on the imperfections of my aging body. I started to feel a little more in control, a false feeling, when I let alcohol get a little to in control… not that I drink alot, or all the time.. but there have been a couple times when I drank way to much, and again I got lost. I have had a history of having black outs when I have drank to much, and it hits me so fast I dont even realize I have drank that much until it is over with. I have lost again… and I am trying to stand back… find myself… I have lost something I enjoy, and I have lost someone I care deeply for… I am not sure why things happen as they do, no one can really explain the ” reason”… but I have to sit here and wonder … am I meant to stand back and walk a different path than I have been walking… which would take me away from some situations that will be healthier to be away from, at least mentally and physically… perhaps a change would open up a door that I have just been standing at the edge of.. wondering if I could fit into it… or maybe… I just lost it… maybe I just had way to much to drink and made a mistake, one that I can’t remember but made all the same.

I love so many things in my life right now, my job, my close friends, my apartment, my family, my cats… yet… I am still lost… to myself … and to the one that I keep dreaming would come into my life.

I have gotten lost in life, in the every day. I have gotten lost trying to find someone to find me…

” I am the path upon which I walk, twisted and curved I may be, but I am the path that leads me on, to the path where I am meant to be”… just a random thought… one of the things that when I write.. just happens… again.. I am lost… all the words I have wanted to publish, all the things I’ve written and shared and yes, some have been published… who cares? Who even knows? Do those who look at me now with anger or upset know these things about me? Or do they only see the shell that walks into those doors…

when will someone find me… as I am finding myself…


19 Responses to “When you get lost in life..”

  1. So………… you do know why I am also known as (She Who)Walks Alone. Love you.

    • All to well I know, all to well. It’s ok for the majority of the time actually.. or perhaps now, but it is a known, a given and I don’t think alot about it. There are just those times, when you realize how alone you are and how even after all these years of trying do hard to be one of the crowd, one of the many… how I stil remain.. one of the few, one alone… ahh but perhaps for 99% of the time.. that is the greatest thing to be able to say!!! .. Love you too!!

  2. Good share,you article very great, very usefull for us…thank you

  3. I’m looking forward to getting more information about this topic, don’t worry about negative opinions.

  4. hi, seems like a story of mine, interms of getting lost. I am in 20’s and a MBA professional but i dunno, i dont like this. I never have a crave for materialistic things. Always gave importance to the things which i love to enjoy. I believe I live in present dunno about tomorrows. I love being like this but still I sometimes think that where will I go like this and what I am gonna do? But anyhow I know this that I am not one of the crowd, as my friends say. Sometimes i just wanted to pack my bags and go around and explore things n new places. People always wonder where do I came from, as they always remember that I was different. No limits …just like clouds…no worry about tommorow…just present. I am clueless and yet to discover myself.

  5. Hello,
    I really loved your article and it was fascinating how much i could relate it to myself.
    I am feeling really lost right now, i am, only me, please, someone, just tell me how to find myself…..
    God knows how much i hate this feeling.. : (
    I’m 16..
    someone please reply: psixiika@yahoo.com

    • Thank you for sending me your message. I can’t tell you how to find yourself sweety, I can only tell you that you are growing into who you are. I know at 16, things are hectic and crazy and everyone is trying to tell you who you should be, who you should want to be, and how you should do, act and be… its a very hard time no matter what else is going on. Take a deep breath.. look in the mirror and remind yourself that you are the very best you , that you can be at this moment in time… every day you will find more of you.. every thing you like, dont like, the things you dont agree with and the things you do agree with, will help you define who you are… and trust me.. I am now 41, and I am changing every day… my wants, dreams, goals and desires change as I grow and learn.. that is the me .. that I am.. and its ok.. I’m confortable in that… I have accepted that I am never going to be what everyone else wants me to be.. I am just ME… and I’m the me that I was meant to be… every moment of me.. each layer.. is me!!

      Hang in there sweety… just be true to the you that you are today.. and the you of tomorrow will show up!!! =) Blessed be… )0(

  6. Thanks, all of you.

  7. A really touching article. i feel lost for many years but i am still surviving, i am only 20 years old, have not started work and am already lost. i have friends and family who loves me but i just find it hard to live life. i cannot stand myself being a loser and sometimes i overwork and start to break down and fall into depression again. i feel like a mad woman and that is at war with herself. why is life so hard.

  8. Thanks for posting the article! It a refreshment from what I usually find on the web
    Well, every day I try to remind myself I’m here for a reason right? But everyday it gets harder to understand why I am here to begin with. All the passion of exploring kinda subsided as I grew up and i am trying to find it again but it’s grown to be difficult not to think about others things, like what I have to do after high school and if going to college is the best decision even though I can’t afford it. I know there are scholarships and all, but there is also competition in getting them so I worry. My dream has always been to find something outstounding in my life that would get me to love it, and I just hope very decision that people think may do nothing for me, turns out to be a good decision in the long run.
    If I ever get to say something like I love you and really mean it, then at least I would have a bit of satisfaction in my life since almost everything I say feels empty, just like a lie.

  9. This was so well written, very expressive…and hell I feel lost as well. I do know who and how I can be but for now I’m just happy being this depressed, isolated, snobbish girl…I’ve started hating most people and I have absolutely no friends…I just enjoy driving around, love my major at uni and reading all those materials…and I day-dream a lot…

  10. i commented here on june 12, it is exactly sep 12, i have no idea why but i came here again to read this article. i feel so completely destroyed. unloved, depressed and empty. no matter how much anti depressant pills wont help me.

  11. i have felt lost my whole life and things you have said in your story really hit a senitive note, its amazing how you can feel like your alone with your problems, but yet the problems you are faced with, so many others are aswell.

  12. Hello im 26, married with 3kids. I have a happy marriage and family. But most of the time now, I feel like im lost.. When im with my friends, family and, relatives I know im happy, but when im all alone, I know that this is not the peak of my happiness and contentment. There is something in me that I want to express, I often picture myself on the top of the mountain shouting. Im alive and energetic person eversince ii got married I am bound at home, maybe because thisis not my lfestyle before, I talk to my husband about this, and told him to pursue my studies in college, thank God he agrred and felt like im starting to find my self again.

  13. Hey There. I found your blog using msn. This is a very well written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful information. Thanks for the post. I will definitely comeback.

  14. I just want to tell you that I am new to weblog and honestly liked this blog. More than likely I’m planning to bookmark your blog post . You surely come with good article content. Thanks a bunch for sharing with us your webpage.

  15. Thanks

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